Didn't Put Out

Posted by: Author: Age: 20s Posted on: 0 comments
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I had a big crush last year on a guy at college. I don't know if he knew or not, probably not, but I was at a friend's house one night and there were a whole bunch of people hanging out and he showed up. His girlfriend was with him and she seemed really nice. She was moving overseas and he was talking about moving over with her. It seemed pretty serious to me.

I then bumped into him a few weeks later in the coffee shop where a lot of students hung out. He came over and joined me at my table. He seemed really flirtatious and suddenly keen on me and I wasn't sure what to do. He told me he wanted to hang out with me and that he had an open relationship with his girlfriend and it was cool.

I had been single for what seemed like an eternity after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years, and my life seemed so dull. I was really torn and nervous about it as I figured I would be the one to get hurt in this scenario but, I decided to give him a call and invite him over and have some fun. I thought that one night would be okay and that I wouldn't get 'attached' or anything. As fate would have it I got my period two days before our date so I realized that sex was out the window but I thought we could still fool around and maybe I'd give him a hand job if he wanted?

The night came round and we were messing around on my bed and it was weird. He had seemed up for it to start with but then he seemed to drift further and further away. He didn't seem to really want to kiss me. I ploughed on and took all my clothes off and as we were both naked and I wasn't sure where this was now going to go I told him, in case he was worried, that I didn't have any sexual diseases. He then told me that he did. It threw me for a loop.

After I broke up with my last boyfriend he had told me afterwards that he had had unprotected sex with men from the age of 15 upwards. For a year afterwards I had nightmares that I was HIV positive. No matter how many times I sat myself down and told myself I didn't, these horror scenarios of 'what if...' were going through my head coupled with the fact that someone I had trusted implicitly had lied to me.

Totally irrationally, I felt like I was reliving those fears all over again. Paranoia, mistrust, suspicion coupled with my ignorance of STDs. I managed to calm down and I could see he looked quite upset and we ended up having a really good talk. It was the best part of the evening actually. He stayed over and in the morning we were kidding around and laughing in bed quite normally. I really liked him. He started turning me on but as things had cooled off I thought it was better to keep it that way. He teased me saying 'What, are you just going to finish yourself off when I walk out of here?'. I felt really vulnerable. He then moved his hands right onto my pussy, outside my panties and started to rub me gently. It felt so unbelievably good and I was so grateful to him. I had an orgasm with him stimulating me manually and with me clinging on to him and it felt amazing.

When it was over, we lay back and I looked at him. I knew it was my turn to reciprocate but I was scared. I was woefully ignorant about the particular STD that he had and too embarrassed to say. I felt so guilty and horrible but I also knew that he had arranged to meet his girlfriend later on that afternoon and part of me just felt that it was better he went and had sex with the person that no doubt he really wanted to have sex with.

I never saw him again and, in my more paranoid moments, wondered if it was because I didn't 'put out'. He broke up with his girlfriend soon afterwards and then I heard on the grapevine that he'd met someone else. I knew, from a mutual friend, the girl he was dating and I got to hear the blow-by-blow account of their first date and what they had done sexually. It was so humbling and painful for me. I admired her courage and generosity and I wished that I had been able to do the same. It felt like a missed opportunity to me and that my ignorance and cowardice were to blame.

Well, you live and learn I guess.



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