I was in the fifth grade in a southern school when I had my first ejaculation. I had touched my penis, from time to time, when going to the bathroom, and learned that it felt good and that I could have an erection. Even so, my parents made it plain to my siblings and me that touching your 'privates' was 'dirty' and not something one should do so I would make sure they could not see me when I touched my penis and explored it. I had always wondered why it felt so good to touch my penis and why this would be wrong. I wondered if the pleasant feelings were the only thing that one could expect from one's penis in life.
Then one night, I had gone to bed a little early because I was feeling bad, feeling like I might be getting a cold. We had a cat and I apparently had gotten some flea bites from the cat's fleas. Apparently a flea had bitten me on the skin of my penis because it really itched although, in retrospect, I wonder if my penis itched because I had reached the point in life when I needed to start ejaculating. Anyway, to comfort myself and to try to stop the itch, I started handling my penis and rubbing the itch. As I did so, I got a very hard erection. I kept rubbing and my penis started to feel really good. I kept rubbing and my penis kept feeling better and better.
My family was in the living room, watching TV and I was in the back of the house in my bedroom, so they could not hear me as I started to moan as I kept rubbing my penis. Finally, I was in total ecstacy, a little afraid about why this was happening and yet enjoying it so much that I just could not and would not stop. I was rubbing and moaning and it just kept feeling better and better. I wondered if it would continue like that forever until I was too tired to do it anymore, however, I decided that I would keep on until I got too tired to do it any longer. I finally got to the point that I was nearly crazy with pleasure and rubbing as hard as I could.
Suddenly I had what I now know was my first orgasm. I just let it take me. I felt as if something was squirting out of my penis but it felt so good, I just let it go as my hips arched and I came and came hard. Afterwards, shaking and sweating, I managed to feel around but did not feel any wetness. Relieved, I was so exhausted that I pulled my pyjama pants (which I had pulled down) back up and pulled the cover up over me and fell into a deep, relaxed sleep.
After a while, I was suddenly awakened by my mother's cry of outrage. She had entered my room to check on me and had found the semen which I, unknowingly, had ejaculated further down on the bed. She called me a 'dirty boy' and yelled at me. My father entered the room, at that time, saw what was going on, and I heard him calm my mother down and tell her that I had probably just had a 'wet dream' in my sleep and that I was getting about that age where that would happen from time to time. Mother looked at me suspiciously then demanded that I get up so that we could change the sheets.
I fell asleep wondering what had happened and amazed by it all and wondering why my mother had acted like that. A day or two later, while in the privacy of the bathroom, I sat on the toilet, with my pants off, and tried to repeat the experience. It happened again and I was again in ecstacy only this time, when I reached the peak of pleasure, I pointed my penis down into the toilet. This time when I came, I ejaculated into the toilet and was amazed to see this white fluid in the toilet instead of the yellow urine normally there. I continued to masturbate (back then, I did not even know the term for what I was doing) and got very good at it. I kept it hidden, only masturbating while I was supposedly in the bathroom to have a bowel movement or when I occasionally went for walks in woods nearby where I could have privacy.
Later, in high school, I would find some library books which described to me what was going on, however, they took a negative view of masturbation, so, for a long time, I assumed that I was some sort of weird, nasty freak of nature who masturbated until, in college, I finally learned that other people did it too. I've often wished that someone, preferably an unrelated woman, would have somehow found out that I was masturbating and that they would have explained to me what was happening and told me that while I needed to keep it private, that masturbation was OK, normal, that I could continue to privately do it without guilt. In fact, by high school and college, I would like to have had an older female lover who would have mentored me and also who would have had a sexual relationship with me and that we could have had a mutually beneficial relationship in that way during those years although such a relationship would have been greatly frowned on in my southern town.
However, I spent many years quietly masturbating, fantacising about different women I would see and hide my masturbation habit from everyone even when I was 'fucking myself' (masturbating) two to three times a day during my later teen age and early twenties years. I remember thinking that I was living my life through my penis, but I really did not mind although I did feel some guilt and felt that I had to keep it hidden, which I was very good at doing. I do wish, however, that someone older would have told me that it was perfectly fine to masturbate as long as I kept it to myself.
Now, for the past twenty years I have been married and love my wife, however, her sex drive has never been as high as mine so I have secretly masturbated from time to time in between our love making sessions. I don't know if she has ever suspected that I do it occasionally. I realy wish that I could feel that I could be open with her about it and even do it around her when she doesn't feel like having sex but I don't know if I ever will. I think that sexual promiscuity of any sort is wrong and that having sex openly in public is wrong, however, I wish that people could be encouraged to privately masturbate when they need to without all the guilt and disapproval.