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Bent Self Loving, How It's Saved My Life

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As much as the gay and disabled seek sexual identity, I often wonder how many of my bent peers are able to self gratify themselves when failure to find a partner reverts to isolation. When I'm horny, masturbation is a healthy way for me to fulfill my sexual fetish. With confidence and creativity, I have what I need to fantasize an erotic encounter that my crippled body may never enjoy. Using the power of my mind, I can escape the cruel reality of rejection and visualize a nirvana of orgasm. For a moment, I feel bliss as my hands caress the genitalia nature put between my legs. Morally at peace, I am free to touch myself without guilt.

Masturbation, of course, is not the answer to the asexual barrier that disabled gay men are trying to dispel. But, it is an outlet for us to explore our manhood. Fondling my genitals and torso, I have discovered my disabled body as a sexual being with a desire to heighten my natural urges. Self loving has helped me to cope with the loss of physical contact. The stereotypical attitude that guys who masturbate are compensating for a low self esteem for not having the ability to find a lover is myth. 'Masturbation is an ongoing love affair that each of us have with ourselves throughout our lifetime. Masturbation is a way for all of us to learn about sexual response. ( Betty Dodson, Sex For One: The Joy of Self loving). As a boy growing up in small town America, I was taught that masturbation was a sign of weakness. As a closeted teen in an era before gay liberation, I suffered suicidal lows believing I was a misfit. Little did I know that I was exercising my primal form of sexual expression, i.e., masturbating my right-of-passage with unnecessary embarrassment or condemnation.

'Modern therapists and medical professionals recognize the importance of masturbation as a natural part of our lives. But, as is so often the case, the rest of society is far behind cutting-edge thinkers. Cultural institutions, that are generally led by the Christian churches, covertly and even overtly attempt to undermine sexual expression and solo (or gay) sex in particular. Even serious articles about masturbation often contain disclaimers that state that although most people masturbate, some choose not to do so because of religious or moral reasons which gives the impression that those of us who do masturbate are guilty of side-stepping religious and/or moral values. It is time that someone stands up and says that those religious and so-called moral objections to masturbation are wrong; they are based upon incomplete information, folk 'wisdom,' and centuries-old negative cultural attitudes toward our bodily functions.' (Solo Touch Webzine, unk author, circa 1997)

After an automobile accident, medical technology saved my life, but the failure of society to accept my reconstructed figure has lessened sexual opportunities. Post injury, during counseling, I wasn't educated about disability and queerness. The supposition of bent men was not a reality- Simply, It didn't exist. So, 'What can a man like me do except to love myself?' And, with homosexuality finally recognized as a legal and moral sexual expression, I feel no quilt from conjured theories of damnation. The documents of our government protect me from the ignorant who would seek to institutionalize or otherwise reeducate me that masturbation and gayness is a sin or crime. By loving myself, I have a stronger personal bliss which lessens depression and suicidal tendencies.

I am comfortable with my disabled body. I know my limitations and the reality of bent living. Where many see me as an ugly creature that disrupts a culture with a base of handsomeness as the attraction for (same) sex: I learned that what I can, instead of can't do, has helped me to dispel the mindset of the disabled gay man as asexual. Socializing in coffee shops, bathhouses and nude gatherings, my wheelchair stuns the moment. Sometimes, I'm completely ignored until I initiate a conversation- That's when things change. But if rejection bewilders my spirit, and instead of coming home and contemplating a suicidal method- I masturbate. Loving myself, I know that I'm a healthy minded bent man. Fantasizing an erotic sexual encounter, I caress my erogenous zones and feel the love that keeps me from ending my voice of hope.

Using a variety of sexual aids, I also have deep heating lotion and pornography. I body shave and the smoothness of my arms, legs, cock and scrotum heighten my arousal. Sitting in front of the computer desk, I spread my legs and lean back the wheelchair recliner while becoming extremely horny. I have an indwelling catheter with tubing and bag connected, but I still erect a good six inches and have plenty of manhood to fondle. Watching a video or downloaded slide show, I push a vibrator under my balls between my ass and cushion. The sensation is incredible! Stroking my cock with my right hand, and deep rubbing lotion on my scrotum with the other, I satisfy my self love feeling unashamed and erotic.

Masturbating to gay pornography, I watch the chiseled body actor pleasure his equally handsome partner who brings him to the brink of climax then backs off. Taking their techniques and improving with my own, I've had some flattering comments when I do have an encounter. I've been fortunate having men who take their time to explore my tattoos and piercings. The fascination with my body art prolongs their ejaculation. As they caress my erogenous zones, I slurp a mouthful of cock, returning the erotic manplay. I can unashamedly and proudly say I'm an excellent cocksucker. I know how to use my mouth and tongue. I like cum on my face to swallow and share. Self loving has taught me how to respond erotically with my partner and realize the limitations he is willing to participate with wheelchair sex. I've discovered many positions with different body type men.

There are positives as a gay quadriplegic, I suppose. Unable to cum, my libido is strong and when I'm aroused, my sexual drive is unending and intense. If the situation is right, i.e., I feel good, have the time and privacy- It's an all day solo love affair. Leaving my problems for an erotic state of mind, I remove the sorrow that burdens my life. Although I endure the same challenges and discrimination as my bent peers, I refuse to surrender to depression. Fuck it! I'm going home- Get naked and jackoff. Having more years behind me than ahead, if I don't love myself, then there's no reason to continue in this existence. I have friends, but it is up to me to have the will to live, and like most human beings, I need more than basic survival.

Masturbation is not an obsession. Even though I live naked as often as possible, I do not jackoff like a teenager who's just discovered his penis is used for something other than pissing. And, neither do I masturbate as a personal religion, bowing to my cock as the Almighty. I work, socialize with friends and volunteer. Disability has made my life doubly different as a gay man but not strange or immoral. Loving myself has diverted loneliness and suicide. After years of uninhibited experimentation and visibility, I accept this reality of being. When I'm included, I bring down barriers. When I'm not, I come home and love myself. Keep jacking guys.



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