Most stories here, and most of the websites on the internet that deal with masturbation tend to focus on the positives and the benefits of masturbation. I noticed most stories on Solo Touch have to do with people's positive memories, memorable occasions when they have masturbated, or simply funny circumstances where they were in and had to do it. Sometimes someone might admit a fear of getting caught, but will share a story where they are proud that they weren't caught.
My story doesn't have any happy situations in it. It is negative, mostly full of fear and bad memories. I realize that it probably won't be a popular story, but I wanted to share it because maybe their just are some things that need to be said. And maybe there is somebody out there like me who can relate with the same struggles that I have had. Who knows?
I've been masturbating for as long as I can remember, and don't really have the privilege of knowing my first time doing it. What I do remember is that when I was younger, I used to straddle different things that would be between my legs. The chair at home, the car seat in the car, or partially opened doors inside our house. I can remember actively engaging in this straddling activity.
I was curious and wanted to explore anyway, I figured that I best do that when I'm alone and mom and dad aren't around. Except that my parents kept good eyes on me, and I could hardly hide a thing from them. But I'd have a few moments anyway if I'd go to the wash room, or if I was sleeping. So I did exactly that. That night, after I was sure everyone was asleep, I placed my fingers and a hand inside my underwear and noticed if I'd rub a certain way, I could replicate the same feelings I used to get when straddling things. I kept doing it, completely worried my parents would check up on me, like they did a hundred times a night, and eventually I got the urge to do it faster and faster. I started sweating, and my breathing was louder and I was having the time of my life, but I got scared and stopped. I had heard some noise down the hallway and decided that it was in my best interest to look asleep.
As I got a bit older, this became a nightly routine for me, and I was doing it every night but in fear of being found out. Sometimes my door would open, and I would quickly have to pull my hand up and out of my pants, and just pray that nobody saw me. Sometimes my mom would ask why my face would look red, or why I'm sweating, and all I could say was, 'I don't know.'
When I got a bit older, I noticed my parents were not around as much. I mean they were around, but I had more privacy. I could take a bath by myself without one of them around, and they didn't check up on me a hundred times a night anymore, just a couple of times. I began to take advantage of that, and had learned how to pleasure myself naked in the bathtub, and I started masturbating in bed more at night-time, and in the morning too, whenever I could.
I had learned about addictions in school; about smoking and drinking and that they were bad and make slaves out of you. And then they kill you or take your health away. I didn't know the word 'masturbation' yet, but it had occurred to me that my 'secret thing' might be an addiction that may actually kill me in the end. So I resolved by myself that I was going to stop doing it. But yeah right, it was so routine for me that I couldn't just do that. But I had tried. And the longest I had got was probably only a couple of days before giving into the temptation. So now, I was wrestling many fears and worries. I was worried about getting caught, and always worrying that someone might walk in on me and make me feel ashamed. Even though that hadn't happened yet, it was a continual fear. And now I was worrying about the fact that I couldn't stop doing it, and that it might possibly cause death like smoking will. So each time I masturbated, I thought of all those fears.
When I was younger, my aunt got bladder cancer, and I thought to myself, 'What causes bladder cancer? Let's see the bladder is located right next to the vulva, maybe playing with your vulva causes it! Maybe my aunt rubs hers too and got cancer and is dying because of it!' So now, I really was worried that what I was doing might cause me to at least get sick if it doesn't kill me.
These thoughts plagued me for most of my childhood. I had all these fears and worries and still couldn't stop myself from doing my 'secret thing.'
When I was in high school and was in church, a few girls my age were talking about purity and stuff and giving a presentation to the youth group. I knew a little about sex, but not as much as the average girl my age. And I knew what virginity meant and purity, but then one of them also said that masturbation was a sin too. I didn't know what that was or what she meant. And when I asked her, she didn't want to tell me, she was like ask your parents or your youth leader.
So, I asked my youth leader. She told me to wait till everyone leaves and then she'd tell me. I thought, 'okay, cool. But why does everyone have to leave.' When they were gone, she explained that some people, if they want to have sex but don't have an actual partner to do it with, they can manipulate their genitals into thinking that they are having sex even though they aren't. She explained a bit more, and I didn't say anything. I had now understood that what I was doing had a name, 'masturbation,' but now I had believed that it was a sin and something that was sexual. I didn't learn enough about masturbation that night to realize that it is normal, and not bad for my health. And while I no longer worried about getting caught (largely due to the lock I had on my bedroom door now), I still worried that it was bad, that I felt powerless to stop doing it, and now it was also a sin.
It wasn't until I was eighteen when I started to learn more about masturbation. My parents never talked much to me about sex or anything, and to this day we never talked about masturbation either. I had to learn on my own. One night when they weren't home, I did a search online and read up about it. I felt relief that it is normal, and that it won't cause cancer. But I still felt guilty for doing it. I read up about the sin issue debate, and decided that it isn't a sin, so long as you aren't lusting or anything while doing it. At the same time though, I ended up seeing some porn. I was curious how other girls masturbate so I watched short videos online.
Now, when I masturbate which is still a few times a day, I can't get the mental pictures out of my head of what I watched. And that disgusts me. I know that maybe reading about masturbation from a questionable source such as the internet may not have been a sin, what I watched was. I should not have watched those clips of young girls masturbating. The memories of watching them haunt me still. And I still worry about why I can't quit masturbating altogether. I feel that all addictions are bad, and it seems like I know that masturbation to myself is an addiction.
It might be nice for some of you who enjoy doing it, but to me, I can't seem to enjoy masturbating. I never could, I had too many worries and fears. Yet, I can't seem to answer why do I do it if I can't actually enjoy it?