This is something of a journey through my mind, but also over time from puberty onwards - it may come out a little rambling, but for some reason, I need to write about this.
That awful feeling at 13. My pussy felt like it was on fire, growing pubic hair, knickers rubbing against it, irritation, but then the feeling of how nice it was to scratch down there and then, then the finding of that little nub. The feeling of bursting to pee and fighting it back for so very long until that one night, alone in my bed, when, frankly, I no longer cared. If I wet the bed, I would tell mum it was one of those things. I remember, I actually tried to pee but instead, my first ever orgasm. Unmistakable.
Then, the wilderness years of discovery. My first boyfriend, my first jacking off of a boy, and then later still, my 'first time'.
And from this rich, fertile soil, my masturbatory fantasies emerged like a rare flower. Sometimes base, crude, almost primal, others more transcendental and almost mystical. Sometimes, they stemmed from the reality of where I was and what I was doing into the erotic. Here are two, one of each.
(This was my favourite at 15) I was walking home from school and it was mid-summer and very hot. I was sweating and I felt yucky between my legs. I knew I would masturbate when I had my shower because I knew I was sweating and that I must smell.....and then.....I wondered about that smell. Was it strong enough for a man to notice? Maybe he was following me right now. I knew men liked schoolgirls, and I knew that I sometimes dressed to attract, even in my uniform. And so, as I walked home, I imagine a man following me. He is older, I like older men, and he reached my side.
He looks into my eyes, and I know he wants me. I ask him 'What do you want?' He half smiles, and says as brazen as you like 'I want to smell your knickers, smell your hot sweaty little cunt and jack myself off.' Forbidden words and thoughts but I say back to him. 'No.' I take his hand and lead him into the woods. I lay on the soft grass, pull my knickers to one side and say 'Fuck me here, now'. (By this time, I am creaming as I walk up the path to my house. Once inside, I stand in my bedroom, or lie on the floor with my skirt up and I masturbate as I finish the fantasy) He pulls his cock out and lubricates it with his spit. He pulls my knickers to one side and pushes inside me and fucks me fast and hard. I beg him to cum inside me. (The orgasm I have is short but very powerful.)
Sometimes, I feel sexual tension in the air. I see it between two people. I see lovers hand in hand in the street, perhaps boy/girl, or boy/boy or girl/girl. I feel myself wanting to commune with the sexuality of the crowd or the surroundings. I go home and up to my roof garden. I lay on the synthetic turf and look up at the moonlight and the stars. All that infinite blackness and those specks of light. I loose myself in the universe. I let my spirit travel to the stars even as I take my dress off and lie there naked. The moon always fascinates me. I imagine being there, standing on the surface of that bleak and barren world. I want to bring life to it, fertility, and I imagine that I am on the surface naked. I squat and masturbate and as my orgasm hits me, I squirt onto the ash-like soil. It immediately darkens, and there, new life forms, fertilised by my womb.