[Below is the text of some general comments and an offer to help with struggling Chrisitans troubled by the concept of 'masturbation as sin'. Thank you for your site!]

First, let me congratulate you on this wonderful site. While researching a teaching on "so-called" sex-addiction, your site was one of very few PRO masturbation sites. I have read many of the articles on the site, as well as a good number of the articles on other sites you had recommended. I sincerely believe you are doing a fine work -you are to be highly commended! There are so many ANTI sites I had to sift through about 350 of them before I found Solo Touch. I'm glad I did!

I read with great interest, understanding, and compassion your article on "Flipping Off the Pleasure Police." I couldn't agree with you more! Your story is similar to mine in many respects. It has always amazed me that the very people the church claims it should be reaching out to, are the very ones with their emphasis on control they have driven away. I am a married man in my late 50's. I have been actively masturbating since age 12. For many, many years (too many in fact!), I let the shame and guilt that "teachings" of the church placed on masturbation destroy my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being.

Several times a year, I assist teaching a class in church on compulsion and addiction; also on "sexual addiction". Over the last five or six years I have made a complete reversal, personally, on the concepts of sexual addiction, and of the church calling masturbation a sin. I have recently had an opportunity to "rewrite" the materials used in the sexual addiction teaching. I rewrote a substantial amount of material, especially on the concept of masturbation. Although within a church setting, I didn't come right out and say "go for it guys", I did rewrite, recast, slant, etc. the teaching in such a way that a reasonable reader, reading between the lines easily comes to the conclusion that masturbation is not a sin. At some point in the near future, I will also have the chance to rewrite other course material. When I write material I definitely write it from a RATIONAL viewpoint, NOT repeating some tired and worn out clichés , the results of which the church has proven to be wrong (by the results in peoples lives!) over the centuries.

Prior to teaching this class, I had spent seven years facilitating various men's groups in the church. For the most part, these groups were very popular in that they dealt with the "nitty-gritty" issues of real men's lives, not some hypothetical spiritual experience that most people don't, can't, nor ever will have. From talking with and counseling hundreds of men over the last seven years, sexual issues in and out of marriage were easily the number one problem, and within these sexual issues, masturbation was easily the major issue. I have seen men jump through the burning hoops of hell trying to get some "relief" from the "sin" of masturbation. What really pisses (OOPS!) me off is that so many wives seemed to be the one "holding" masturbation over their husbands heads. In the vast majority of cases, masturbation was not the cause of problems in their marriage, nor was it actually the cause of continuing problems in the marriage. What seemed to be the more prevalent modality was a deadly combination of prissy Victorian attitudes by the wives coupled with men swallowing hook line and sinker the church teaching that "masturbation was sin". What was the poor bastard to do? Here he sat, condemned by his wife, condemning himself, almost sure that god was going to condemn him too! These kind of situations help to force me to really come to grips with my own masturbation. I could see the hell the shame and guilt cause in me. I could easily see the hell the shame and guilt in these other men.

I would encourage the men not to worry about masturbation being a "sin". Instead, I would concentrate on the other aspects of their relationship and marriage that were causing it to fall apart. In the vast, vast majority of cases, objectively, masturbation was not a "cause" of their marriage problems. Instead it was one more "excuse" their wives used to beat them into submission. As I talked with these men I came up with the humorous (at least to most men!) acronym for some wives—here goes: B.I.T.C.H (Which stands for Basic Impulse To Control Husbands). Most men laugh, many agree. There wives in fact are "bitchy" in direct proportion to controlling their husband's lives.

I could go on and on. I have written many scores of pages over the years about healthy human sexuality and Christianity. It is definitely from an pro-sexual viewpoint. I appeal to men's reason, not mysticism. When I have had the chance to talk openly, and freely to some men in the church about some of these issues, these "differing" concepts have generally been well received. The biggest problem for many 'church- going men' is that they don't use the same critical thinking skills when contemplating spiritual issues that they would use when confronting other important issues in life. They just let other's, their parents, friends, associates, wives, girl friends, etc. do their thinking for them.

To affirm what some writers have already intimated—in my case as I have sincerely worked through the issues of HOW I got so shamed about sex, sexuality, and masturbation, WHEN it occurred, I have been able to become free from ALL the guilt and shame about masturbation. Personally, I am very "pro-masturbation". Although my wife is "anti-masturbation", I just don't bring up the subject. I now able to freely enjoy masturbating, which I do frequently with great joy. In fact, I can say that in the last few years as I have been freed from the guilt and shame, my general mental attitude, self-images, self-esteem, ability to connect in meaningful ways with others has improved because I can masturbate free from the self-condemnation and shame so many Christian men put themselves through.

This fall, my wife and I will be getting a new computer. The one at home on which I am writing this e-mail only runs Windows 3.1, thus I am not on the net. I use a computer at our public library for my internet contacts. I would be very interested in answering or receiving questions from "struggling" Christians, who are conflicted between what their bodies clearly are telling them is good, and what the church is telling them is bad.

Thank you so much for your fine work! Thank God there are fine, dedicated people like yourself, and your support staff that will tackle this subject with openness and honesty! Using a line from my lesson plan, "just because we learned about sex in all the wrong places, does not prevent us from finishing the race with honor!". I will looking forward to contacting the site soon. Again, if there are struggling Christians out there, I would be happy to answer any questions they might have!

Respectfully submitted,
Arby Jay

[Webmaster's note: I wrote to Mr. Jay, thanking him for his contribution above, which I think is excellent. I also asked him why he stuck with the church when he so openly realizes it is on the wrong track entirely. His thoughtful response follows:]

Hello Dave,

Just a quick note re: your gracious and thoughtful reply to my e-mail.

I guess there are a couple of reasons I "stay in the church":

1. My spirituality and relationship with "GOD" does not depend upon the church.

2. I am a rational being capable of thinking for myself.

3. Since I was so "deluded" by blindly accepting as "truth" what eventually were proven to be lies, I get mighty indignant with the teachings of the church.

4. Over the years, I have been able to be in a position of influence. From an experiential point of view, I have been more effective, I believe, staying in the church, and working to change individual men.

Your comment about "self-inflicted" wounds was very apropos! God, how I have seen men beat them selves up over minor, minor stuff. For a couple of years, when I still was facilitating a men's support group, I had a "whip of knotted cords" in the center of the table. (I made it from some leather strips and a wooden handle). I'd begin the meeting with the observation that "you're welcome to pick up the whip of knotted cords and beat yourself if you think it will make you feel better!") That was an attention getter. Most men snapped out of the pity-party, self-immolation state they were in, and with the aid of that "externalizing" device, the whip, would ask themselves, "yeah, just what am I beating myself up for?" That usually broke the ice, then we could get down to the real issues.

Most of the time, men were suffering from "problems with living"—problems that occur to humankind in general, but are greatly magnified by an overscrupulous conscience. Essentially, an overscrupulous conscience is where men would "rattle around inside their heads trying to find something good to say about themselves!" I stick with the program of working inside the church, I think, because I do see some good results. Several factors have lead to this metamorphosis on my part. You mentioned, I believe, in "flipping off the pleasure police" that you had a "disconnect" with the concept of the Parousia. And well you should have! I have been preaching (to a limited audience unfortunately!) the inherent errors and personal problems a person pulls upon themselves due to misunderstanding of the Parousia. A little over ten years ago, a brother gave me a copy of a book called "The Parousia"—by J. Stuart Russell. Written in the 1880's it was and is and exceptionally fine analysis of why the common "belief in the second coming" for today is totally erroneous and leads people down a pathway of destruction. Thank goodness on the net, there are "Preterist" web sites advocating this position.

I believe that the pleasure police have such a strong strangle hold on Christians is because they are inadvertently doing something for which they condemn Islam. In Islam, it is considered the most righteous and holy act to die for Allah. In fact, "paradise" is very much a physically and sensual state of being. Christian theologians have constructed a convoluted concept of a "Parousia-to-come" that essentially "dangles like a carrot" all the "pleasures of life" to the "faithful" that endure suffering and privation to the "end". I ask myself the logical question 10 years ago—"what if there is no end?" As I cogitated on that, and ran the logical assumptions backward, the idea of a "Parousia" to come seemed totally ridiculous.

Similar to your experiences, I have also read and investigated a lot of history, textual criticism, about the bible and the church. The church would call me a heretic but I do not, can not, nor will I every swallow biblical concepts 'just cause' someone else says they are so! God gave me a brain to think with in a rational manner. So, I use it to think. If my conclusions happen to disagree with someone else, including "commonly accepted understandings of the Bible", then so be it. I am entitled to my beliefs and will not change for any man.

I am truthfully happy for you that you have in fact been able to make peace with yourself. I do understand about peace and JOY! Certainly, the subject of the website is masturbation. Make no mistake, masturbation is not my ONLY joy! I have joy in a lot of other things in life. It just happens that I do have a tremendous amount of masturbating, an unashamedly participate in it. Thanks for your kind words about remaining in "the system". I know that Bishop Spong, and myself (I am in a decidedly more "conservative" church—not "right wing" just more conservative than the Episcopal church) are not the only men that think this way. Until someone says "the fight is over" I will keep on fighting on the inside to change the church. I keep seeing signs that help me to believe there is hope. For example, sex, sex addiction, masturbation, impotence etc. weren't even discussed in the church 20 years ago. Today, there is a lot more open and frank discussion on these subjects. Yes, much of it is from a moralistic view. However, Bishop Spong and others like myself stay in there, punching' away at the false premises of the churches view on sex and sexuality. I believe, or at least I've convinced myself to believe that over time, both time and circumstances will alter the church's view radically. As more and more people are discovering sex, sexuality, solo-sex in a positive light in their own experience, they are put at odds with the "official position". I believe that eventually, the church will be faced with a tremendous credibility gap. They will be forced to "meet the real needs of real people" and stop trying to force an outmoded form of morality upon their parishioners. The church will come to the conclusion that it must change and become relevant or people will leave! If people leave, the church will collapse. Like most other human institutions, the church needs its parishioner's. I believe the church will eventually change rather than kill itself!

Amen on your comments on addiction. Even though the "official title" on my teaching last week was on "sexual addiction", I had thrown in so much material that called into serious question the concept of addiction, that I believe a reasonable person would come away concluding that except for certain sociopaths or people with truly psychotic problems, there just isn't any way you can call "sexual" activities "sex addiction".

Thanks again for your comments. Please be encouraged! Just finding your site several days ago has greatly encouraged me in ways you may never know! Your efforts are all worth it! Hopefully with people like you on the outside and others of us on the inside, we can all "push" on the ends to FORCE are sane and reasonable compromise somewhere in the middle, whatever that may be.

Best wishes to you for taking time to respond to my e-mail.

Arby Jay