Is It Only Me?

I love this site. I love reading about all the secret things men and women do alone. It makes me hot and bothered. But I am frustrated and I also have a big secret. I hope an older woman will read my post and leave some advice for me to read later. I have never cum. I have tried for a long time and although I get close I never get all the way. Sometimes it seems like I'm about to get there but then the feeling goes away. It kinda feels like when you are about to sneeze but then it goes away. Or maybe like when you think you need to pee but can't. Does that make sense?

I have tried my fingers and it feels really good but it's not enough. I would like to try a hand shower or toys but I don't have them. The closest I get is when I hump against a pillow or the arm of a chair or sofa. I do that a lot.

That's the frustration part. Now for my big secret, which excites me so so much but also makes me very guilty. I have been interested in masturbation for some months. Last year my mom gave me a 'talk' about it but I was a bit to embarrassed so she wrote down some education web sites. This site was on the list of sites she gave me. One day I tried it and loved the stories. I mostly love the stories the women write, even though I am straight. I don't have a boyfriend right now though my friends tell me that guys like me and that they think I'm pretty. I'm a bit shy that's all.

I live alone with my mom. We have an apartment overlooking the city. It has a glassed in balcony and both my bedroom and my mom's bedroom have windows and a door opening onto the balcony. Some nights if I can't sleep I like to sit out on the balcony and look at the city lights. A few weeks ago I was sitting out there very late when I noticed my mom's bedroom lamp go on. At first I didn't do anything but then I got curious to see what she was up to. The blinds were down but not all the way down so there was quite a big gap and when I crept close I could see right into the room and see her in her bed. The side of the bed is very close to the window.

She was reading a book and at first I didn't notice anything else. I was about to creep back to my chair but then I noticed a movement under the sheets. She was holding the book with one hand but her other hand was under the sheets between her legs. It was a few seconds before I understood what was happening. I couldn't believe it but she was touching herself. I felt my heart start to thump and a squishy feeling in my stomach. I just crouched there watching and after some time she put the book down and I could see her face. Her eyes were closed and she was concentrating and biting her lip. After a few minutes the hand movements got faster and faster and I could see her lift her hips under the sheet. Then suddenly she opened her mouth and she had a kind of frowning pain look on her face and she made a grunting sound 'uh, uh, uh' before relaxing back on the bed and picking up the book again. That's when I slowly crept away from the window. I knocked against one of the potted plants but I don't think she heard the noise because she didn't do anything. I got back into my bed. I felt really really excited and humped my pillow. I couldn't sleep very well at all.

I felt guilty the next day but my mom didn't say anything so I don't think she knows what I did. I feel bad saying this but ever since then I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw. Knowing that my mom touched herself and came made me very excited. Just thinking about it makes me feel wet. I wish that was the end of my guilty secret but there is more.

Two nights after that I couldn't sleep and I was thinking about it and I was lying in bed. It was hot and I left my door open and at about midnight I saw a light suddenly shine onto the balcony. I crept to outside my mom's bedroom and looked through the gap in the blinds. This time it was even more exciting because the sheets were down by her ankles and her nightie hiked up and I could see her hand slipped under her panties. This time she took a long time and she touched her breasts and when she came she was noisier and she kinda moved her hips in a rythm. Her legs were wide apart until just before she came, then she squeezed them together, so her hand was jammed between them.

Now I watch her whenever I can I often sit out on the balcony and when her light goes on I creep over to the window quietly. She must do it a lot because whenever I am waiting it seems to happen. The only time she doesn't is when its her time of the month. Maybe its because she has not had a boyfriend for nearly a year.

The last week it has become even more exciting because she is nude. It's been hot lately and she has no sheets. She also lies sideways on the bed facing the window with her feet on the floor or her knees in the air so I get to see everything! I feel really bad writing this but also shaky and very excited. Am I normal or am I sick? Her body is very sexy to me, I love the way her long hair looks on the bed and her pale skin and slim body and her breasts are much bigger and rounder than mine. I love looking at her pretty face and the expressions she does. I like the way her pussy looks. Sometimes she has her legs wide and she holds the lips apart with both hands and I am only a few feet away so I can see the beautiful pink folds. I can tell lots more about what I see but I am worried what people will think of me spying on her.

I also have terrible fantasies. I wish I could be nude next to her and I wish she could show me what to do so I can feel what she is feeling. But if she knew what I was doing she would be very angry and upset.

Please tell me if I am wrong to do this and to think the things I'm thinking