Masturbation's Guilt

This episode all started when I was in high school. Being a christian meant radical changes in my life were happening, even my homosexual fantasies. Trying to get rid of them I met Ken. I never thought of him sexually because we were a part of a singing group and christian group. I wanted to address him as a brother about masturbation. But he never wanted to reply because his friend was with him. After his friend turned off he told me he did it but not loosely. He was getting hard but I never realized how much the conversation was affecting him. Then I like him used my bag to hide my boner after. We talked about our life and boners until I reached his porch and then he move his bag only for me to stare at his near manly friend. By the way I was 17 and he 19. Exchanged numbers and then we had a friendship of helping and sharing private secrets.

The only difference is that we both liked girls and guys but he gets turned on more by girls and I the opposite. I never wanted to do anything because I feared God and damage to the friendship even though he wanted to see my dick. After six months I finally prayed before 'only showing' our dicks, that I did that only. The day came and we were together so we showed with our pants on and I was gone. His dick was shorter but thicker and cut, I was uncut and skinnier that made mine look longer; I almost flipped. After I urged him to get show throw our boxers and then we decided to jack off to see who cums most. We laid beside each other then he wanted to kiss. I stopped. Then threw down the idea and continued. In desperation I asked to exchange hands and he agreed. It felt wonderful but not on his part. I wanted to cum so he told me to stand away from the bed. I went downtown and dribbled a few drops. I never felt good about it. He followed suit but pushed out more than I did. Then he told me he wanted to vomit. He didn't but the feeling was one of disgust. I fought it because I knew God was forgiving. We never talked much after that. But I felt betrayed when he told me he didn't want to speak to me any more nor didn't return my calls.

But I forgave him because I realized it wasn't good for me nor him. So in my mind I decided to commit myself to only touching not jacking. And after one year of not thinking of him, I met a foreigner who was studing theology. And checking out the college with him I met Ken, he greeted me with a hug and a kiss (not literally but a miss you hug), I was shocked. He was willing to be friends again so we talked about the past and how to understand the sin of masturbation as a process. Then he told me how the other guys in the college thought of it as nothing and others, the opposite and his near sinful encounter with his girl. It was devastating to me, who was hoping to get out of the natural hormone overdose.

To cut a long story short four months after, we met for the last time because I was moving away. It was me and him alone in his dorm. I had nothing to say because we already know much about each other so I asked to touch his dick even though I was reluctant. He said it was ok and we went into a feeling frenzy and showing but eventually we had to stop. It was getting late and gave a good hug which wasn't common among men. We did it because we respected what each other knew about our type of sexuality and the bible and because we were just friends. That night I felt overwhelmed with thoughts of 'I shoulda coulda woulda' and a little guilt but I finally came to senses when I called him about it and he told me we did it because we're brethren. Now I believe God hates any form of sexual activity outside of marriage, but after all, why worry? Jesus didn't die to save himself but you and me. I still masturbate anyways about that safe idea and wouldn't mine other company but looking foward to one day marry. I hope that other christians who masturbate would be truthful about it.