Sex With God?

I am a very spiritual person and have been from a young age. One of the oddball things I do occasionally, is take a silent retreat. I take a few days and get away somewhere to read, pray and meditate. During the retreat, I do not talk to anyone and no one talks to me. The focus is on God and getting to know him better.

The last time I took this retreat, God was dealing with me about my sexuality. Masturbation has been something that I was ashamed of, and tried to hide from God. Now, in my belief, God is always with me. He always knows what I am doing, and it is impossible (and silly) to try to hide anything from Him - but this is what I had been doing since I started masturbating around the age of 13 (over 20 years ago).

So on this retreat, in my time meditating, God brought this up. It was kind of like God said to me, 'Every time you masturbate, you block everything out and try to pretend that I'm not there. You feel guilty and then you let it affect your relationship with me.'

I decided to go and masturbate, focusing on being concious that God was there and aware of what I was doing and feeling. I feel weird saying this, but it was like an act of worship. It felt good physically, like it always had, but it also felt good to have it out in the open. I stroked my erect penis slowly and deliberately - not in a hurry to get it over with as I had done so many times before. As the tension built, I was aware of the waves of pleasure I felt with each stroke and that God had made it that way. I noticed every nuance: muscles in my abdomen, groin and legs contracted involuntarily - a sudden cool sensation as sweat broke out across my naked body. Slowly I climaxed; my semen poured out like an offering, a warm and pearlescent gift to the one who created me.

Frankly, it was very strange, and after it was over, I felt afraid. I had sex with God; wasn't that some sort of heresy or something? It has been over a year since then, and I haven't done anything like that again, but something in me did change that day. I often make sex out to be something purely physical, but God showed me that day it is something spiritual as well.